Space Trash Read online

  The poor thing couldn’t help it, Edith knew. This started just a few months after she’d switched her pet to an organic, rice-free, high-protein dog food that was supposed to help older dogs live like they were younger. Obviously the formula was defective. Precious was a well-behaved pet and not since she was a puppy had she messed anywhere besides the yard. She made a mental note, as she rolled her windows down, to call the company to complain. Nothing good ever happened until someone complained about the bad that was happening, she knew.

  Complaining worked. She’d complained about the terrible customer service she’d received at A-1 Electronics to the manager. As a result, he not only took the computer back, but gave her store credit toward the purchase of another computer, which not only looked nicer, but also was of higher quality than the first. On top of that, after she’d expressed that she was only partly satisfied because she did, after all, have to spend even more money, which she didn’t think was right or fair to make her do in the first place, the manager had thrown-in two years of technical support. When he said that, the pink-haired girl began crying and vanished into a back room behind the counter. Then Edith was satisfied.

  The new computer was safely in the trunk, the manager himself had spent nearly an hour showing her how to use the thing and… and that’s where Edith’s thoughts got derailed.

  Precious began making a low, rhythmic grunting noise. When Edith looked to see what was wrong, her poor dog’s mouth was hinged completely open, and saliva dripped from somewhere way back in her head. A few more yacks and not only was there poop on the seat, now there was vomit. Edith gagged, and suddenly it occurred to her that she hadn’t looked up from Precious in many seconds. When she did look up, evasive maneuvers were necessary.

  Some stupid idiot, who obviously should not be driving because he didn’t know how to use a center turn lane, had his blinker on and was directly in her path. This was only a two-lane road with a narrow dirt shoulder and Edith had to make an immediate decision. She could go left and possibly hit the car when its driver finally woke up and accelerated, she could go straight and plough right into the back of the fool, or she could go right and hope that she didn’t lose traction and end up in the ditch. She chose to go to the right.

  Unfortunately, her car was a reasonable, American-made piece of machinery that was better at going in straight lines than swerving around a car parked in the middle of the road, some skinny blonde woman jogging just over the crest of the hill, a trash bag that had obviously fallen off the top of someone’s car who didn’t belong in her neighborhood a speed limit sign, some old man on an electric scooter and various noxious weeds the HOA considered to be landscaping.

  Throughout the evasive maneuvers, Edith could hear her brand new computer bouncing around in the back. The manager had put it back in its original box, which contained styrofoam, but she couldn’t be certain that it wouldn’t be broken by the time it got home. So long as there was no visible damage, and everything that might be broken was on the inside, she knew she could get it repaired, or possibly even a replacement. She’d just bought it after all, and if the manufacturer’s packaging didn’t keep it safe, that was their problem, not hers.

  After successfully dodging tragedy and turning into her Home Owner’s Association, she slowed to a reasonable speed, which was five miles over the speed limit. Police, she knew, rarely frequented her neighborhood and she had also proven to herself again that she was a superior driver, so five miles over the speed limit would not only be easy for her, it would be safe as well. Just as she began patting herself on the back for her outstanding driving skills and the wind pouring into the windows had thinned-out the air enough that she no longer felt like she would gag, Precious barfed again.

  “Oh, you poor thing”, Edith said without taking her eyes off the road this time. “The stupid man who parked his car right in the middle of the road scared you. Poor baby. Don’t worry, mama is taking you home now. We’ll get you all cleaned-up, get a fresh bow for your hair and settle you in for a nappy-poo.” She reached over to pat Precious on the head again, and decided instead to put her hand back on the wheel. No telling what might be on her poor, little head after rolling back and forth on the poo and now vomit-soiled seat during the emergency maneuvers.

  Edith pushed the button on her garage door opener while she was still on the street behind her house. She knew the range and had learned that if she pushed the button just before the big tree with the rock next to it, she could coast straight into her garage when she made the two rights and then a final right into her driveway. Efficiency was important too, especially when she needed to take soiled fabric and a soiled trash bag out of her car before the sun got too high in the sky and started to cook the smell into her upholstery.

  Just as Edith turned into her driveway, she pressed the button near her left leg to pop the trunk. That was the best feature of her car. No longer did she have to hold keys in her hand to accomplish anything. Everything could stay in her purse. She put the car in park, opened her door, stepped out and took a breath of fresh air. The last one she knew she’d get for awhile. Then she set about getting the dog inside, moving the soiled fabrics to the garage so at least they were out of the car, moving the soiled trash bag to the trash can, washing the dog, deciding on whether to toss or wash the linens, deciding to hose them off in the driveway before bringing them inside for a proper washing and completely forgot about her brand new computer.

  Somewhere far above, just as it passed through the ionosphere, just before it reached the atmosphere, a large egg-shaped object was hurtling toward the planet at speeds which didn’t even come close to it’s maximum-rated velocity. What did exceed its specifications was the friction caused by the excessive amount of pollution in the air. The pollution caused enough friction to break the seals holding the trash pod together and it scattered its contents across nearly all of North America.

  One particular piece of trash tore through a flock of birds, who weren’t bothering anyone, just flying from some place to another place on some kind of important bird-business. The birds did, however, help the object shed some of its velocity. So did an errant balloon that someone had let go, though not by very much. As did the tree branches on Edith’s neighbor’s tree, a wind-chime and finally the spare blankets and thrift-store towels Edith kept in the trunk in case Precious had an accident. The last of these, the pile of fabric, reduced the impact noise to a loud thunk, the object bounced once and landed on the floor of the trunk next to Edith’s brand new computer.

  When Edith finally got the mess cleaned up, she decided to toss the fabric rather than trying to wash it and soiling her washing machine. As she was walking toward her front door to dump the mess into her outside trash, she suddenly remembered her purchase. Even though she lived in a very safe neighborhood, thieves didn’t care and weren’t aware that they should do their thieving elsewhere.

  As she ran to the trunk of her car to check and see if her purchase was still there, and involuntary “oh no” escaped her lips. To her relief, it was still there. It was on the other side of the trunk as the bag, but at least it hadn’t been stolen. To her confusion, something else was there as well. Something she couldn’t recall putting in her trunk, and couldn’t even recall what it was.

  She picked the thing up and thought it might actually be her new laptop, fallen from the box. However, when she inspected the box, she noticed that it was still closed, and seemed to be heavy enough to still have the new computer in it. It didn’t at all resemble the old computer, as far as she could remember.

  Then a cruel grin widened across her face. The frazzled manager at A-1 Electronics had made a mistake, and she was the beneficiary! She was pretty sure that if she was given something that she hadn’t paid for, hadn’t even picked up, it wasn’t stealing. Instead, she had heard that she was under no obligation to give whatever it was back. A quick check of the trunk didn’t reveal any accessories for the device, but she knew she could go to another store, look i
nnocent and lost and tell a clerk that she lost the thing that plugs into… as she turned the device over in her hands, she couldn’t actually find a plug. No matter, she thought. She’d take it to the store anyway and just whine to a clerk. It always worked, and it made them feel good, like they’d just helped a little, old lady. Like they’d done their good deed for the day. If she whined more she could often get them to use their price-match guarantee and usually they’d look up their competitors prices themselves.

  Edith scooped up her legitimate purchase, her accidental technology and stuffed both into the bag, slammed the trunk and hustled into the house before any of her neighbors became curious. Her neighbors weren’t nosy, but they were bored, so anything interesting or out of the ordinary was likely to catch their eye.

  Edith closed her garage door by pushing the wall-button on her way in, took the contents of the bag out and set both items on her kitchen table. She first opened the box, and sure enough, it contained her new computer, was seemed very similar to her new… whatever it was. They were both rectangle-shaped, appeared to be made from brushed aluminum and although her new computer was much thinner, the… thing was much lighter. It also seemed… cooler to the touch.

  Edith giggled with pleasure and anticipation. Whatever the thing was, it was obviously expensive, and because someone else made a mistake, it was all hers. She deserved it, after all. She’d been an educator for nearly thirty years and this was her reward, finally. She just hoped it wasn’t too exotic to find a power cord for it.

  Edith notices that the thing didn’t seem to have any seams, unlike her laptop. She was pretty sure that was a mark of quality. Things that had high quality, especially things made from metal, were usually lighter and better-crafted and she’d read somewhere that the seams were difficult to find.

  Edith wasn’t so bold as to tell herself that she actually knew what she was talking about, but she did know quality when she saw it, and whatever this thing was, most likely a laptop, it was quality.

  Edith wasn’t far from the truth, but she didn’t know that it wasn’t a computer. It did have computer components, though. It had a processor, it had a digital scale of sorts and even though it didn’t have a visible plug, it did need to be charged. This one, however, was already fully charged. The Neavautian Empire worked very hard at perfecting their battery technology, and this device, even as humble as its duty was, this device was a quality device, mass-produced for most alien species. This single device put the Neavautian Empire on the map, and because they held the patents, it would keep them on the map for eons to come.

  Edith was becoming angry. Nobody liked her when she became angry, but she always had a reason, at least in her mind, why anger was the right thing to become. She picked at where she thought a seam should be. Then she scraped her fingernails against the rest of the surfaces. Then she screamed in rage. Precious lay on her doggy-bed, as usual completely unaware that anyone was screaming, being completely deaf and content with it.

  “This stupid thing”, Edith screamed. Right now she didn’t care if the neighbors could hear her. They were older than she was, so chances are they couldn’t hear anything at all. They needed to mind their own business anyway. Edith found herself beating the thing against the tile floor of her kitchen, and when she stopped to catch her breath, she noticed that she’d damaged some of the tiles.

  The device, meanwhile, didn’t care. It’s not that it was mean. It wasn’t programmed to be mean. Instead, it was just indifferent. The Neavautians held several things as being important. At the top of their list was good hygiene. Second only to that was privacy, so even though the device did have the ability to communicate with its users, it did not do so. It only communicated with its control server, and only about mundane tasks such as updating its software, firmware, and ejection points.

  Meanwhile, Edith had worked herself into a froth. She was crying, six of her floor tiles were now broken and the device didn’t even seem to have a scratch on it. She couldn’t believe that with all her education, all her experience and all her common sense, she couldn’t figure out one stupid device. In a final fit of rage, she threw it across the room, it dented a wall and landed near Precious.

  * * *

  Precious had an upset tummy and was wondering how far it was to the outside. Precious knew the outside was the best place to poop, but she also knew other places could be good too. The carpet was bad, as was the bed, which seemed to be too high to get up on lately. But other places could be good. Other places could be very good. The blanket in the car for instance. That was a good place. So was the blanket on the bed. That was a good place, because the lady would take the blanket and put another one in its place. But where to go this time?

  Just then, an object fell into Precious’s view. It was square, probably. It was hard to see, but Precious could tell something was there. So, naturally, she went to look. First she sniffed it. It wasn’t food. Then she sniffed it again. It wasn’t another dog. Whatever it was, it was new! Precious loved new things, especially when they smelled like the lady. Precious liked the lady. The lady gave her food, probably. The lady gave her water, probably. As the lady was the only person Precious was aware of, she was probably the one who gave her things.

  This new thing was a thing! Precious was sure of it. Therefore, it was her thing. She wasn’t sure what this new thing was for, but as she only had one need at the moment, she decided to use the thing for what she needed. She really needed to poop.

  Oops, the poop was already coming out. Well, she loved the lady so she would do her best to get off of the carpet and onto the new thing that the lady got for her. That would be good, and Precious was good, so she hurried as fast as her tired, little legs could take her and curled into the pooping position, her second favorite position next to the sleeping position, and pooped. Ah, she felt better. Precious was a good girl.

  Then she looked around and realized she could see. Her legs didn’t hurt and she didn’t have to poop any more. Precious was in a very large room, and all around her was freshly-cut grass, little white flowers and a bowl. Precious smelled something delicious coming from the bowl and went to investigate. Sure enough, just what she thought. It was meat! Precious could smell it, taste it, and see it. Precious was a good girl!

  Edith thought about what to do next, and where that infernal device had come from. Obviously it was some kind of technology. Anyone could see that. What was driving her mad was what the thing was. Also, she began to wonder if the little floozie had stuck it in her bag just to make her crazy. Weirdos who dyed their hair pink had a tendency to do other things that didn’t make sense, she thought.

  There was no way anyone was going to get the best of her. She was going to get the device and throw it away in the trash. She’d had enough of the games and was ready to move on with her life. She and Precious would come up with a plan for revenge. That clown-haired child would pay, and she would pay dearly.

  “Precious”, Edith called softly, even though she was well-aware the dog couldn’t hear her. “Where’s mama’s baby, Precious?” Edith was walking around the house looking for her dog, and becoming worried that she hadn’t found her yet. “Where’s mama’s baby, Precious? Whers’s mama’s baby?” That’s when Edith spotted the poop on the carpet, and a long trail of it leading to the… device.

  Edith made a face when she spotted the infernal thing. It was right the thing be covered in poop, she decided. It wasn’t worth more than that anyway. She marched over to the thing, gagged at the smell of the fresh line of very wet turds on the ground, picked it up and used the rounded edge to scoop some of the dog excrement onto its surface. There was a flash of light and Edith was no longer in the house.

  * * *

  The computer that controlled the portable outhouse was intelligent enough to know the difference between two very different substances, namely poop, and not poop. When other substances came in contact with its surface, it had to make a decision, and although the Neavautian programmers had do
ne a fine job, they couldn’t program every possible instance of anything it might ever encounter into its system. So, in such a case, they programmed in a set of guidelines. In the eighty years that the Neavautian Operational Personal Excrement (NOPE) devices, specifically version 2.0, had been running, the Neavautian Customer Relations department had received exactly zero complaints.

  When Precious, poop on her bottom, had touched the device and began to do her business, the NOPE had a decision to make. Its job was, when it came into contact with poop, (which could vary widely between species of aliens, and in some species within the species itself), was to teleport the poop to a predetermined location based on the subscription associated with each device. Unfortunately, its subscription had expired. In such case, it was programmed to make a decision on whether or not to send the poop away, or simply let it sit.

  What also complicated the matters was the fact that the thing that was making the poop wasn’t any species the NOPE recognized. A quick scan of the creature revealed its illness, its age, and the progression of a disease. Therefore, it had a special decision to make on top of everything else.

  The Neavautian Empire had won a galactic award, the Magawuff Humanitarian Award, named after a famous zookeeper. They had won the award for some of the programming they’d added to their NOPE devices. Too often, its users were putting a bit of poop on unwanted pets so they would be taken away, similar to how humans flush-away dead goldfish. However, a very nasty species was using the device as a game, a source of amusement, and was capturing animals, and eventually each other, and sending everything to disposal planets. The numbers were alarming.

  By adding this little bit of code, the Neavautian Empire not only won an award, but saved pets and people alike from a fate worse than death. Ending up on a disposal planet, where over the years the poop from a hundred different species all mixed, fermented and on some planets, became sentient, was more than most species could tolerate.